Themes of a Rebel [Kira's Present]

[HARUKA REAND]

I promised Kira a present ages ago, and then I decided rather than one big block of text, I'd give it to her in series. I don't mind if you guys want to comment to me about it, but if you're going to be downright nasty can you just PM it, don't make my mistakes and faults obvious D: XD. I don't usually share my other-writing, so... I dunno, don't mock? xD

Theme: Abandoned

“No! Jamie don’t go!”

Dami’s hands clung helplessly to his brother’s wrist, wide blue eyes filling up quickly with tears despite the fact that he was already nine years old. Nine was too old to cry, he was nearly grown up, but the thought of Jamie leaving filled him with a terror that rivaled every other he’d ever experienced. Behind him, Dami could see his mother. He didn’t care if she left; she was nothing but a cold statue that occasionally graced him with a smirk or a pet on the head with a well-manicured hand. Jamie… Jamie; however, was his. His brother, his protector, his friend. Of which Dami had few enough due to his naturally cold and mocking nature that made it hard for people to like him – even if he was pretty.

A symmetry of facial features, that was all his mother would ever care about. How pretty her children were with their blonde hair cut just so, and smiles that made them look just like that. Was that why she was taking Jamie away? Was she taking him because his eyes were different to the dark blue of Dami’s, or because he smiled more? His hands tightened around Jamie’s wrist, digging his weight back into his heels as his brother tried to move again – Dami would have none of it.

“No! You’re mine.” He tried again, helplessly. Jamie was the one person Dami actually liked in his life, and to lose that...
“I’m sorry little Dami.”

Dami’s hands fell away, falling limp to his sides as Jamie stepped back. Blinking furiously to attempt to bite back his tears, Dami’s eyes narrowed slightly. Rather than the pleading expression, open and loving, that Jamie would have known was for him alone, this expression was the one Dami wore for everyone else. The shut off, cold, distant expression that held him apart from even their parents.
He'd begged, he'd pleaded, he'd cared. Yet, while Dami stood with his hand still outstretched into empty air, his only real family walked away.

Finally, blue eyes darkened at his brother's retreating back. He was leaving him, leaving him behind. The rejection stung and burned, but Dami wasn't about to cry. When Jamie walked away, Dami frowned, stepping back and turning his own back.

Watch, I can walk away too.

Dami was a cute and adorable little brother. He clung to every sense of family he had, he trusted, he loved. Damion, became something quite different. All in one action of turning his back.

[HARUKA REAND]

Theme: Perfection

Perfection.

By the time Damion was fourteen, he hated that word and ideal. At the same time as he hated the very mention, the attaining of said “perfection” was something like an obsession. If he stood a little straighter, if he talked a little different. Whatever it took, he’d find a way to obtain whatever this elusive way of being was. It was through perfection that he found Rothfuss, it was through perfection that he learned how to play people like a board game, but it was still not his to claim. His father never said it, never mentioned his distaste in the younger son, but Damion could see his disgust in the way he curled his lip slightly, the way he looked away. Damion wasn’t perfect, but he would be eventually.

Some children were beaten, some children were loved, some children were starved… So many things could happen in a child’s past, and yet none of them were something Damion could claim. His father never struck him, but that was because he wouldn’t touch something so unworthy of his time. His father never starved him, because it was unsightly to look too thin – imperfect – but he didn’t love him either. Damion, no matter how hard he tried to match up to everything in his father’s wishes, he couldn’t reach it. He stopped being afraid, fears were an imperfection. He stopped breaking things in a temper; that was an imperfection too. Eventually, he stopped caring. Emotions too, were an imperfection.

Not a complete imperfection, perhaps. It was enough that Damion locked it away, the idea of regret, or hurt; they were easily locked behind steady walls of analytical coldness where they could no longer bother him.

[HOPE BELL]

Theme: Run Away.
The window squeaked softly as he wriggled it open, and for a moment, Damion paused to listen carefully. No tell-tale stomping feet, or even a grumble to tell him that he was being noisy. A shadow by the door made his heart leap into his mouth, and Damion froze, staring at the movement. Finally the shadow moved again, and the black fire-dog jumped up onto the bed next to him. Letting out a breath in relief, Damion tried hard not to smile at the smirk that seemed to darken Rothfuss’ expression as he sat quietly next to his trainer.
“Two more minutes, and we can do whatever the hell we want.” Rothfuss didn’t move, his red eyes focusing on Damion’s movement at the window. Just two more minutes, and he’d be gone into the night and he’d never have to think about his family again. The screen gave way with a soft clatter, and Rothfuss leapt quickly through the opening, his paws making little sound on the dirt below.

One foot poised on the edge of the window, bag slung over one shoulder, Damion glanced back over the neat and almost military-neat room. Perhaps it was someone playing a cruel joke, or maybe it was a coincidence that as he glanced back the moonlight illuminated the old, crumpled photo in its frame. Two boys, twin grins as they looked back at the camera, stolen cookies in hand. For a moment, Damion’s hand touched the wooden frame, tempted to slam it down on the counter and forget about it.
“Damn you Jamie…” He murmured, tugging the picture free and shoving it deep in a pocket before jumping lightly out the window to follow Rothfuss.

Fifteen and on his own, the freedom was almost giddily exciting. The night was cool and dark, silent but for the rustle as Rothfuss darted through the brush ahead of him. He was never going back either, not back to rules and regulations that never ended. He would be perfect in his own way, not the way his father wanted. He’d just play his own game. Grinning into the darkness, Damion barely paused as he disappeared into the forest that surrounded his home town. In the morning his father would wonder where he had gone, but it would be a passing thought. He wouldn’t really mind.

“I should care more, shouldn’t I?” The question was posed to the small canine staring at him, but the black Pokemon had no answers for him, simply growling low and turning away with a flash of white that was the bone markings on his back.

“Aren’t you just a font of knowledge and wisdom?” The boy grumbled sarcastically, hurrying to catch up. A bark sounded ahead, but Damion couldn’t tell if it was a laugh or simply Rothfuss telling him he was too slow.

Later, he’d have to think about where he’d sleep and how he’d get food, but that would be later. Right now he could concentrate on how freedom felt. He never wanted a family again, nothing to tie him down, nothing to hold him back.

[DAMION RACHER]

Theme: First Love

The sunlight caught her hair, the light absorbing into the darkness like blood into the earth. Morbid as the connection was, it caught Damion’s attention, his hand pausing in trying to dislodge his Sentret’s teeth from a little boys arm. For a long moment, Scar held on, determined to draw blood before her trainer could pull her away. Amidst the screaming and the crying though, Damion’s eyes remained cold on the young woman across from him. Headphones jammed in her ears, she heard none of the commotion of the “rabid” Pokemon, he meant nothing to her.
“Scar.” A snap of the fingers, a cold command, and the Sentret dropped from the child’s arm. For a moment her dark eyes seemed to glitter with something malicious before she bounded up to curl herself around Damion’s neck, resting her warm body against his as he watched the girl.

Realistically, she was nothing special. Her eyes were a little too far apart, and there was a gap in her teeth when she smiled, but… That hair, the darkness, the richness… For a moment, his hands itched to wrap in the dark strands, to feel blood running through it at the same time his fingertips moved. To hear her scream, and cry and beg.

One moment, he was staring at her, drinking in the vision. The next moment, he was reaching out, his fingers brushing along her skin. She started, like a wild animal ready for flight. Every muscle tense, eyes wide, breath held for a brief moment. He could almost hear her heart pounding blood around her body. The desire to hurt her didn’t fade, it changed. He wanted her to trust him, the bunny to come willingly to the wolf’s side, nestle against him with utter trust before he turned his back on her. For a moment, a vision of another person turning their back rose in his mind, five years old and yet still as painful as the day it had happened, and then it was gone. Whatever had reminded him of it floated away, and his focus returned to the young woman before him. Abruptly, the cold expression melted away and his lips twitched up into a cheeky, lopsided smile.

“Sorry! I thought you were someone I knew.” He laughed, pulled his hand back to himself and adopted a sheepish expression. It was so easy, trained to hide his emotions, show the perfect smile. Her expression softened, and she shook her head, sending that thick mass of dark hair swinging.
“It’s okay, you just startled me..” She pulled her arm back, still on her guard, and Damion dropped back a step. Let her leave while he followed her, quiet as anything. Follow her, bump into her a few random times, and she’d be his.

“Damion! Honestly, you’re such a tease!” Her laughter floated on the air, and Damion ignored it. He could count the girls he had stringing along behind him on both hands, one for each day of the week. A new meal, a new place to sleep, and a new girl to see the emotion shining in her eyes every night. So it was amusing to him that one of many didn’t even know the extent of her words just yet.

“Always have been.” He grinned in return, fingers smoothing dark hair back from her features. She laughed, that high, tinkling sound that had always jangled his nerves to the point of wanting to strangle her. Her hand reached out, brushing against his hair, and Damion experienced the urge to jerk back out of reach. He didn’t, he remained where he was, letting her fingers smooth through his hair.

“Yes, but you’re my tease, it’s what I like about you.” She giggled again, and Damion’s mouth thinned into a cold line. My. Mine. His. Hers. Ownership. Moving in a sudden snap of movement, he jerked away. Quite suddenly, all the warmth was gone from his expression, as though he’d never been playing the love-game.
“I’m not a thing. You don’t own me, none of you own me.” Her expression twisted, confusion and hurt warring for dominance over her thoughts. He could see it, the whys, the what’s happenings… He could see her little mind struggling to understand his sudden change, the sudden revelation that her “boyfriend” wasn’t everything he’d promised.
“Damion?”
“I lied.” Her expression faltered, for all that she tried to cover it up. Pain, hurt, longing, betrayal. Yet while those emotions conflicted, Damion stood, staring down at her with a look of faint disgust marring the childishly handsome features.

“About what?” A hoarse whisper this time, a broken tone as she wrung her hands together, and watching her, he could do little else but laugh.
“About what? I’m fifteen, not eighteen. I ran away from home, I wasn’t kicked out. My brother left, he wasn’t killed. Scar was given to me, I didn’t save her. She wasn’t abused, she just hates people. I don’t have a job, I have other girls as well as you. That necklace you’re wearing? I took it from Wednesday’s girl, she’s got something of yours, don’t worry. What else? Oh, I never loved you.” Every strike got a wince from her, body curling in as though to defend herself from the attack inflicted with his every word. Beaten, broken, hurting, it was exactly like he’d planned. For ages he stood, the same bored and cold expression settled on his features as he waited for the shock to wear off.
“F-fifteen? Oh god… There a-are others? And you never.. but… we..” Her voice broke, trembled and Damion’s expression twisted further in disgust.

“This?” He sneered, nothing more than cold, empty distaste dripping from his voice was he reached out to slide his hand along her neck. Her skin twitched under his hand, her breath caught and she swayed towards him.

Instantly, Damion’s hand dropped away.
“That’s just a physical reaction of hormones. Anyone could make you feel that.” His lips twisted into a cold smirk, “Did you really think you were special? All I wanted, I got from you. I didn’t even have to try that hard. Fall in love with someone like you? I don’t think so. Your body had nothing to do with my feelings, I never cared for you in any way really. You gave me what I wanted, and now I’m bored.” His shoulders lifted in a brief shrug before he spun on his heel to walk away.
One step. Two steps. Three steps.
“I hate you! I hate you Damion!”
“No you don’t, and you hate yourself even more for that. Perhaps I’ll see you again, Lisa.”

[DAMION RACHER]

Theme: Betrayed

He'd always promised himself that feelings were something of the past. Damion had promised himself that any stirrings in his heart must have been the result of bad food, or not enough sleep. When they persisted; however, he was forced to quietly reflect on the young woman that had become a near constant companion. She matched him, in so many ways. Beauty, for one. Her hair was like woven chocolate, dark and rich, and her eyes were filled with a dark kind of intelligence that made his skin crawl with an eerie kind of excitement. She followed him everywhere, met him plan for plan, game for game. A better trainer, though too attached to people as a whole. All in all, she wasn't a bad prize.

If it wasn't for that whole "fear" thing.

Even the thought of loving someone, putting that much of himself towards them... it terrified him. More than anything else would ever manage to in the world. The idea that even now, when she watched him with her quiet expressions, he could feel her fingers winding about his heart. She was so like him, when he'd first chased her down and tried to seduce her, she'd pushed him away. That small line between her eyebrows had shown as she scowled at him.
"No more than this. I don't want a love-sick puppy tripping me up every five minutes." Even later the words rung clear and loud in his head. Damion had never thought the term "love-sick" could apply to him, but now...

The firelight caught her face, softening the harsh lines of her face. So close, close enough that he could just reach out and stroke the line of her cheek if he just... leaned.. a little... closer..
"Damion?"
"Uh, yes?" Just like that, his hand was back by his side. He refused to be awkward, nothing had really change between them - aside from his admitting that the flutters in his heart weren't about bad food. The conversation that followed was normal, boring... It was peaceful, talking about normal, every day things..

Funny how quickly peace could be ended.

"Damion?" No matter how many times she spoke to him, he could feel the chills run up his skin, the delight at seeing her.. the longing.. all shattered by a few very simple words.

"You're under arrest."

There was a beat of silence, Damion staring absently at the shining silver cuff around his left wrist. For the first time in his life, his mind buzzed with incomprehension. He was unable to come up with a reason for this, had she played him at his own game? Her gaze remained steady, and just like that, Damion's hurt snapped off. His heart no longer squeezed painfully at the betrayal, he didn't think of anyone else. There was just... nothing. Like when he'd been a little boy and he'd pushed that one kid out of the trees, and he'd felt nothing. No remorse. No guilt. Nothing. The same happened now, all the pain of nearly loving someone only to have it be all a lie shutting down.

He wasn't sure how it happened, wasn't sure when it happened. One moment, he was staring at her absently, waiting for the hurt and the betrayal to kick in, and then the next, his hand was around her throat. Her eyes widened in panic, hands dropped from the handcuffs and flew up to tug at his fingertips.
"You showed your cards too early." He murmured, voice chillingly cold as he watched her squirm in his grip. One more piece of proof that women were not to be trusted with one's heart.
"You're a ranger, aren't you?" He murmured, the toneless sound to his voice echoing slightly behind her struggled gasps for breath. He loosened his hand, allowing her to suck in a deep breath before tightened it again. Painfully, she nodded slightly, her hands still more focused on pulling his hand away than grabbing her Pokemon.

Funny how the survival instinct simply over rode all rational thought and actions. He would have been forced to release her if she'd pulled out any one of them. Still, she didn't.
"Ah. Shame. And you were sent to seduce me and then arrest me?" This time a pained shake, her eyes widening with every second that ticked past. Once again she was allowed a breath before Damion's cold hand tightened.
"Oh no this time. So that was just for fun?" He snarled, eyes flashing with a brief flash of fury before the ice returned.
"You thought it would be fun to mess with my feelings and then betray me? You think it's fun?" Never mind that he did, certainly he loved to see the pain and hurt flicker over their features. Not his own heart. His own heart that had been so carefully guarded.

Never again.

"N-no!" She gasped, and Damion shook his head slightly. He'd trusted her, he'd even begun to feel for her. Every flutter of panic had been a part of that amazing ride to something more... Or so he'd hoped. Then.. He stepped closer, curling his arm about her waist to cease her struggles.
"You didn't? That's what you did though. Caught me in my own game. You made me want you. You made me need you. Care for you. Then you do this. You rangers think you're good, but you're nothing but scum. You're no better than I am." He hissed quietly, ignoring the prickle behind his eyes. A moment later, he shoved the limp body away from him, barely twitching as her body hit the ground.

"Shame. If only you hadn't.." Just like that, everything came rushing back. No guilt, it was more a regret she'd run out of breath so quickly, but pain. Hurt. Betrayal. Loneliness. Quite suddenly, all he wanted to do was bury his head in his hands and let everything overwhelm him.

Racher's don't cry.

Of course they didn't. Tears were a sign of weakness, weakness was an imperfection... Oh but the temptation. He didn't give in, straightening his shoulders and bending to take the pokeballs from her belt as he stepped over her. For a moment he paused, bending to pull her hair to hide her neck and letting his fingers linger against her cheek - still softened in the fire's glow.
"Guess I really can't... Or don't deserve love, huh? I'm not sorry you're dead, just sorry I have to feel anything at all for you." He murmured painfully, standing and leaving her there.

Watch, I can walk away too.

[DAMION RACHER]

Theme: Heartache.

You promised me once you'd never say
don't break my
Don't go
dear Eli
fears are always

Writer's block. Ain't that just a bitch. Right when I need the words, when I need to find them... They're gone. I'm so good with words, normally. I talk and the birds fly down from the trees to listen... Well, not really. People, people do. People come to my side after a little bit of coaxing, a soft croon, a gentle purr, a word of lie, a touch of truth. One, two, three, snap the fingers and they're in love. Why is it then, when I need the words more than anything, they won't come at all. Most people fall in love... three, four times in a life time. They fall hard, they crash hard and they get back up again. Every time. Without fail. So why is it that this ability is not wired into myself? When people leave... it all but tears me apart inside. I can feel it ripping me to pieces every moment that they're gone. My important people. They're more to me than just family, I swear to God or whatever sick freak is watching this world, they're the only thing that holds me together. Without them I can't feel anything, I can't feel anger or pain, or hurt or happiness, without them I'm just constantly looking for the next target to rip to pieces. I want to hurt people, I want to see them in pain, curled on the ground and sobbing for help, bleeding, hurting, broken, destroyed... That feeling, itscaresmesodamnmuchthatIwantthemdeadgonehurtingtorturedforeverunabletogetbacktotheirfeet... Have you ever been terrified of yourself? My important people stop that, Jamie snaps me out of rage, Finn soothes my anger and Eli... God, Eli. What doesn't he do? He makes me calm inside, every raging storm is just over. Pain, anger, everything just … leaves. It's gone because I know whatever I do or say, Eli could stop me, all he has to do is remind me. A word, a phrase, a look, a touch... And it's gone. That numbness of emotion cracks and I feel...

Warm.

I've never really felt that before. I won't lie and say that I don't know what love or kindness is, or how to show and feel it. Jamie was my big brother, he held me close when I got scared and I guess you could say he helped that numbness too. For as long as I can remember I've had that, that echoing emptiness where compassion should be. I'd always thought I'd just learn to live with it, and then she came along. First love. First kill. Originally I thought nothing could hurt like that betrayal did, and nothing could scare me like the fact I felt nothing over her death. My own hands had choked her life from her lungs. My hands. And I felt nothing when her eyes had glassed over and closed. Nothing. No remorse... Almost... a flash of delight, a sense of pride, a trickle of arrogance at the power I held in my hands. Oh yes, her betrayal broke my heart, and from that moment I was terrified, but killing her? Didn't bother me at all.

Then Elijah walked into my life.

Yep, that's right. Damn you, Elijah. You screwed everything up.

In a wonderful way.

At first he was just like everyone else. He was a member of my game – despite being my boss. I suppose you could simply say that he was just a higher target? Or just a good time. I liked to swap stories with him, share, ask advice on the so rare occasion that I might need help from him on a target. Before Elijah, my life was wrapped up in sex and seduction, there was nothing else to me. I stalked, I seduced, I broke. That was it, I had nothing else but the pleasure that seeing them destroyed gave me. Somehow, Eli got close. I don't remember how, maybe because he was different. He knew what I was like, he'd played the game as well as I did. He coaxed and tempted me closer until I barely realised how quick I was crashing.

When I fell. I fell hard.

Don't read this. Please.

Oh yes, I fell for him. The quick smiles and the evil, I fell for everything about him, including the jealousy. For the first time in my life I felt so wanted... So needed. I felt like there was someone who really cared what I wanted and where I was. I'd never had that. Elijah didn't care if I was a messed up human being, he never seemed to. He never showed any fear of me...And I'll be damned if that wasn't the thing that made me fall the hardest. Before I knew it, he had me. Hook, line, sinker. I was well and truly gone. All I wanted every moment was a smile, or a laugh... God that chuckle.. it makes my knees weak. Made. Elijah... He became a focus of my entire world... everything I could ever want was right there the moment I reached out. I was so scared though, terrified to be the one to realise. After everything... Then he'd spoken to me, leaned close...

”Because I love you...”

You said that to me once Eli. And back then I didn't understand why you would want me, and I was so scared you would break my heart. I was scared if I accepted... you would take my heart and shatter it... But you didn't. You held me close, as though I'd never hurt anyone, your arms around my back. I could smell you, sense you... You were so close and I could hear your heart, beating against my ear. A soothing and gentle sound, I want to cling to that moment. The moment when you were mine. So completely mine.. I look back now and I wonder. What lunacy drove me to push my limits so hard?

Goddamnit. Ignore that blotch. I've got some dust or something... In my eye.

Alright, it's nothing. It's really nothing.

You promised. Then that you would never break my heart. I always believed you. No matter how many times he caught me with another person, and as many times as I tried to explain... I always thought... Somehow. Someway. Everything would be okay. Everything would somehow work out all okay. Guess that was a bit of a stupid belief. For a moment I thought I was really worth something. Remember when I was drunk, and you tried to make my brother believe you were a ranger? Yeah? I lied, Eli. I remember that whole conversation. And the warmth of your smile when you tolerated my drunken clingyness... You know... I wasn't so drunk I couldn't think. I knew that if you thought I was utterly drunk, you would let me get close. You'd let me rest against you, and you wouldn't push me away. Certainly you teased me with kisses that weren't really kisses, and you seemed to think I couldn't think straight. I could though, and all I could think was that I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want that moment to end. Everything just perfect, just me and you, quietly talking about nothing. Or the time when the hangover struck me, and I was in more pain than I could logically understand from a few drinks. You stayed. You shielded the sun from me and held me close. I could hear your heart that time too... Wrapped in your arms, close and... and...

God damn this thing in my eyes.

Why is it that all those words have to come out before the one I really need? The words that I've needed this whole time.

I need you. So much.
I love you. So much.

I doubt you'll ever read this... Why would you? Why would you read anything I wrote to you. You'll probably screw this up, which I think is why I'm so comfortable actually writing this. I think if I knew you would ever see this, I'd have to tear it to pieces right now... I couldn't.. I just couldn't bear to let you see how much I need you. How much you being away from me just kills me. I feel.. Empty. That warmth and light where you were in my heart is gone and nothing I say or do seems to make it any easier. I want to cry and scream and beat the walls until my fists bleed, but such a show of temper... That would be wrong. I'm scared to see you too, scared that somehow my hands will end up around your throat too, and I won't care. I won't care that you're dying by my hands... Just that it happened, that I couldn't control it again. That cold, numbness frightens me so much Eli, but it's the only place I can hide where you turning your back won't hurt me anymore.

… Because when I think about you. And that shield isn't in place... It feels like my heart is being torn to pieces, cell by cell. I can't breathe, my chest aches, my arms feel empty and my eyes sting constantly. I swear I need you, not want. I need, need you, Eli. You're like the air in my lungs and without you I'm scared that the emptiness I've been fighting my whole life... will consume everything and stop me from ever feeling the love I have for you ever again.

I don't want that. I love you. God I love you. More than anything in the world. I can't... I don't know how I can live without actually having you to be mine. I'm trying, Eli. I really am. I'm trying so hard... I just.. don't want to hurt anymore. Finn says it takes time. I don't want time. I just... I want the pain to stop. To be happy again. I can't be that without you, I don't think I can... You're my everything.

I really do love you.

Even if I can't show it.

Damion Racher